i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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