I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
