alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
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HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
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It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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