Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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