ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
