Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
