If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
