You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
