Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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