My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
