lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
