recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
