Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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