He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
