WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
