The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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