After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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