she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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