I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
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I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?