she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
