my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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