He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
