Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Good thing I've started drinking again
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.