so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.