be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so let's talk penis.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head