Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
