hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
