I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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