do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
