i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
