Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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