i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
