u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
