one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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