i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
