He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
