When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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