Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
