I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
