we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Your cock deserves a montage
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
