i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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