I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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