Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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