I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
