Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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