I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
