hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
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I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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