she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
