i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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