we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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