I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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