Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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