The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
