She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so let's talk penis.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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